If you’re an overworked college student or one of the 1/3rd of Americans who no longer have access to any paid vacation time, knowing how to purchase an authentic-looking fake doctor’s note and hand it in confidently is an essential skill. Time off is, after all, a basic human right—even if American corporate culture wants us to believe otherwise. The following guide to handing in a fake doctor’s note will prepare you to get the rest you deserve, without getting caught:
1. Prepare your fake doctor’s note carefully. Make sure to purchase your fake doctor’s note from a tried, tested, and true vendor, such as Phoney Excuses, whose notes were “field tested” extensively by Komo News Network in Seattle. According to the Komo report, local business owners believed the fake doctor’s notes were legitimate 100% of the time. Remember, there’s more to a doctor’s note than just an illegible signature: Doctor’s notes include names, phone numbers, and other data, such as the time and date of your appointment. It’s therefore important to buy your note from a professional vendor who makes sure to include this pertinent information.
Be careful about where you print your note as well: Never use a “public” computer or, even worse, one of the computers at your school or place of work—one look through your history will reveal your ruse. Always print your phoney doctor’s note at home on your personal computer.
2. Clear your conscience. Unless you have a great deal of antipathy towards your school or place of work, chances are good that you feel guilty for wanting to hand in a fake doctor’s note… But you shouldn’t. Even if you’re not seriously ill, if you’re so desperate to take time off that you’re going to the effort of purchasing a fake doctor’s note, you probably really need it. The simple fact is that none of us can work all of the time without damaging our health profoundly, so taking a few “fake sick days” here and there can be viewed in the light of a preventative measure: Taking a little bit of time off now is better than having to take months of sick leave after developing a serious condition.
Keep in mind that working too much has been linked to developing chronic depression, obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular disease and even cancer. Rest isn’t a luxury—it’s a basic human need.
3. Practice your delivery. As Ferris Bueller demonstrated in the classic film Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, confidence is absolutely essential if you want to get away with “playing hooky.” In order to hand in your fake doctor’s note without arousing suspicion, you’ll need to practice pulling off a calm, confident delivery.
The best way to lie convincingly to someone else is to convince yourself of the lie first. No, it’s not possible to make yourself believe you had food poisoning if you didn’t, but you can believe the information described in point #2: That your health really was in jeopardy because a lack of rest actually is dangerous to both your physical and mental well-being. Do whatever you need to do to cement this fact in your mind, e.g. read scientific studies on the risks of overworking, research the link between mental and physical health, and so on.
Once you firmly believe in your right to rest, work on your external presentation. When you hand in your note, you’ll want to appear calm and natural. You’ll need to be able to make eye contact without flinching or looking away, and you’ll want to be able to make light casual conversation about your illness. The best way to master this aspect of your delivery is to rehearse handing in your note: Ask a friend you trust to stand in for your professor or manager and deliver your note until it feels routine.
As a final word of advice, remember that one of the best ways to avoid being caught with a fake doctor’s note—other than purchasing a high-quality note, of course—is to keep your request for time off realistic. It’s highly unlikely that your boss or teacher will take a second look at your doctor’s note if you’re only away from work or school for a couple of days, but if you try to claim you had a major surgery and needed weeks away… People are going to ask questions. It’s much better to take a few short breaks throughout the year than attempt to get away with a long vacation.